I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
