My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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