I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
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