"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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