Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I can't put those talents on a resume
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
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