You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
