So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
