Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
how do flat chested girls get laid?
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
