Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
