I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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