I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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