mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
