Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
We just shotgunned beers for America
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
