i permit you to call me
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
