i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
