Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
