First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
