I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Randomize
