Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
