how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Randomize
