i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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