Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
