A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
That accounts for only three of the penises
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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