this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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