there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
