Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
