I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
