The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
