I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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