so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
