oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
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We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
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How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
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