I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
