I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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