If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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