just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
then he tried to convert me to islam
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Randomize
