chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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