You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
