good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Four minutes until I can fart!
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I just found puke in my bra..
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Randomize
