whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
