Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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