drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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