I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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