I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I just blew my weed a kiss
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I have feelings that need drinking.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
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