It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
