i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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