i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
i believe in u and ur pee
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
