I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
