if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
