If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
