dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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