Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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