you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
