be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
