Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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