i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
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