You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
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You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
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You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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