My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
