i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
