Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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