Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
