God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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