Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
